Dear Duncan Jones.
After your father died I wrote my sympathy for him in the register, you and your family opened for him.
I have been working as a peer in psychiatry for 13 years and before that, I have been working for 11 years with disabled people in Holland.
I have always been very open about the diagnosis I got when I was 25 years of age. But stigma runs deep, so it took me more then half of my live to relieve me from this burden.
I wrote in the condolence register you made, that your dad has played an important role in my psychoses, who started shortly after high-school.
As a peer, I started a band in Holland at Parnassia called: 'Brood Soep en Spelen' with my clarinet teaches Hans Witteman, shortly after premier Mark Rutte decided to cut down on culture. Hans lost his fixed income as a clarinet teacher at the music school in The Hague but kept his job at the Ereprijs, which is a orchestra for modern music in Holland.
With 'Brood Soep en Spelen, the two of us, started at Parnassia he earned a fair income.
In 'Soep Brood en Spelen', everybody was welcome. Even persons who could not play and instrument were welcome. The repetitions were weekly and most of them started with a lot of complaints against the system, we were all victims of. Mostly we were talking about changes of medication or financial worries, but after a meal of bread and soup, we were in a better mood, and after making music together, we always left in a bright mood. Everybody was happy after Brood Soep en Spelen.
As for music: Hans worried about all the little bands who were making modern music that disappeared due to the economy measures.
My mum, who was a wise woman, asked me if I wanted te take violin lessons when I was 8 years old because she thought those could be of use when I was older and when I was going through hard times.
Due to the pills the psychiatrists told me te take when I was 25 (suffering from psychoses), my hands were so stiff that playing the violin was nearly impossible. There is a medicine name artane that reduces the side-effects and with that medicine I played for a short time salon music at the music school in The Hague, when I was about 30 years old. Playing in this band of Peter Lefeber, was very good for me because it was my return to the normal world. My dad payed for a real violin with a dark colour and a dark sound and for my lessons. My violin teacher Liet Relou helped me with the choice of the instrument.
Because of the side effects of artane, I decided at the age of 40 to stop with this medicine, and for a few years I did not play any instrument at all.
In the year my mum died (2010) I started to play the clarinet again, because this instrument seemed not as difficult as the violin and the stiffness of my hands was not such a big item on the clarinet. My mum Joke Koppe, died of a heart attack and she has never heard me play the clarinet.
She thought I went insane at 25 because of too many gifts. She thought I could not choose what to make of them in my teens. In my fathers opinion I went insane because of the divorce from my mum when I was 8.
I think both facts drove me crazy.
My mum was a beautiful mother. Nearly as beautiful as your mum Angie when she gave birth to you, but not so world wise. She has been my external safety after I got hospitalized.
My work as a peer in psychiatry has been too hard for me, but playing the clarinet gave some light in my live. Actually it made me very happy.
Right now I am an 'old' woman, 53 years of age and my hair turned totally grey after 9 months of hospitalization at Rivierduinen recently, which is the first time since ages that I got hospitalized after the day I decided to slowly reduce my medication. (But I have a lot a curls left :) )
When I was about 10 years old, I red during a vacation with my dad in a glossy named 'Story' that you father Bowie had named you Zowie, Which I thought was an unsound name for a child.
Later on, when I was about 22, my friend Siem Boon told me that your dad was inspired by this book of Salinger called Franny an Zooey, and that your name was Zooey and not Zowie, and that you named yourself Joey at that time.
I gave all the books of Salinger tot my Tibetan friend Choq Dorjee in the time I was staying at the Maytreija institute in Maasbommel (which was near Oss) at 22. This was an institute for Tibetan Buddhism, and I was staying there mostly of identity problems.
I left this institute under the illusion that I was the Maijtreija, which seemed to me at that time an idea of an unsound mind, but it was as well an illusion I lived in.
Shortly after leaving Maasbommel I went to London for a consult with R.D. Laing, a well known anti psychiatrist, who was at that time not so populair anymore, and probably alcoholic.
With his wife Jutta I had an argument about his fee, because I was under the impression that I already had paid for my madness with my live, but she told me her husband was one of the best psychiatrists, so I paid the normal price for an expensive psychiatrist. (expensive in my opinion then).
Laing had lovely eyelashes, and he wore a nice sweater -probably knitted by Jutta-, but all he did was listening and he advised me to go to the RIAGG in Holland, which was of no help, because that was regular care.
What I dreamed of that time, was a little job with his staff and that I would be welcome to celebrate Christmas with him, because his family seemed warm. But I never asked him those things.
After my return to Holland I went to the RIAGG, but that I was really insane became clear when I was 25, and shorty after that I was hospitalized at Parnassia.
My story is one about music and insanity, the same two items that played a big role in the live of your dad.
I recently red the book of your mum Angie about her relation with your dad and my conclusion is, that she has really loved him.
What I hope for you is that you can go back to your roots.
Money had ruined a lot in the world. Angie is still alive, and I am glad for you she is.
Imam had her roots in Somalia, who are strong. Africa is a very rich continent I understood with a very lovely and strong nature. Your little sister will hopefully have more privacy then you ever had.
Females know that money is not the answer, because giving birth to a child is for free, and it causes a lot of pain.
I wish you the best Duncan in your live on this planet Earth.
Space is a dream of your dad, which I think is not impossible, but if there is live in space, it will come to us for free, once this planet is a better one, or maybe even now in the form of animals of humans. This is what I believe.
A lot a love from me to you.
Annemarie Kroet.
